Forgive Us Our Trespasses Page 6

  “Come on. I picked out a movie; find a spot and get cozy.” I direct her to the couch and head to the DVD player to get the movie started. Our couch is not covered like theirs, and I notice the look she gives it before she sits down. “I never bring girls here, if that’s what you’re thinking,” I tell her before continuing my work on the film preparation.

  “No…well yeah, sorry,” she stutters as she sits down. I want to be offended, but I laugh instead; she smiles back, letting me know that her anxiety is slowly fading. “I always sit in the recliner when I’m over here with Will. I guess I just assumed that the couch has seen a lot of action. I’m sorry, that really is kind of shitty of me to think.”

  I push play and return to the couch, sitting on the opposite side, not wanting to seem presumptuous. “No, it’s fine; I would think it would be a safe assumption. But really, you’re the first girl I’ve ever invited to my dorm room. Now I can’t confirm the amount of upholstery cleaning that occurs between years; who knows the history of this bad boy?” I say, patting a cushion. When I really evaluate what I could be rubbing my hand over, I pull it away with a look of disgust that matches Vivian’s. “Maybe a couch cover isn’t such a bad idea. I’m never out here; when I’m home, I usually watch movies in my room.”

  “Is it a hygienically safer place? And do you promise to keep your hands to yourself if we watch the movie in your room?” she asks skeptically. I don’t blame her. I wouldn’t feel confident being alone in a bedroom with me either if I was a girl. I would usually show off my best moves and lay the charm on thick, but right now, I have no desire to go that route with her. Scratch that—desire, yes, but my conscience wouldn’t allow it.

  “I promise this is an evening on friendly terms only. I wouldn’t sleep with you tonight, even if you begged.” I stand, gathering the glasses and alcohol and hand them to her. She grips onto the bottle and waits for me to eject the movie. She then tentatively follows me to my room, and I close the door behind us. “Go ahead and sit anywhere,” I tell her, taking everything from her and sitting it on the minuscule desk in the corner of the room. Without having a roommate, I was able to rearrange a bit to make my room a little more comfortable and spacious. That included taking down the extra bed and replacing it with a chair and small desk.

  She takes off her shoes and crawls up onto my bed. I try to ignore that she is, in fact, sitting on my bed, because this fabulous idea of mine is proving to test every molecule of willpower I have. I quickly think of every non-sexual thing I can think of to calm my hormones: grandmas, Will in a bathing suit…Jen–yup, that does it.

  I kick my shoes off into the compact closet and apprehensively approach my bed. “It’s okay, Brooks; you can sit on the bed with me,” she says as she flattens her hand on the duvet, signaling me to sit beside her. I don’t hesitate, practically bounding onto the bed.

  We both settle back against the headboard, but I make sure to keep my hands to myself. I remain diligent for the entire film. I don’t pay attention to most of the movie; I’m enjoying just watching her lose her sadness in the comedy. I unwind to the sound of her laughter. Occasionally I feel her head on my shoulder, and I remain as still as possible so that she won’t realize our contact and move. Her touch leaves a streak of fire across my skin, and when she takes it away, my body feels the loss, yearning for her warmth once again.

  When the movie ends, we both stretch and look to one another for the next step in this unforeseen evening of ours. “Are you feeling a little better?” I ask tentatively.

  She rests her hand on mine. “Yes, thank you for being here, Brooks.”

  I brush a piece of her hair behind her ear, similar to the way I did the day we met, but this time she doesn’t take her eyes from mine, nor does she shrink away. “I’m hoping that one day you’ll see that I’ll always be here.”

  We sit in silence for a moment, neither of us taking the offensive. I refuse to take advantage of this situation and push her towards being physical; she would only regret it, and all the progress I’ve made would be lost. Making the decision for us, I pull away from her. “So, what would you like to do now? I can get another movie, we can talk about what was bothering you, or I think Will may even have some playing cards somewhere.”

  “I think I’d like to talk about why I came over here,” she says. “First, I’m going to need a few drinks. Why don’t you get some water, and I’ll pour a few more shots?”

  My eyes narrow. “Are you sure? You don’t seem like much of a drinker; I don’t want you to get sick or anything.”

  “You’re right; I’m really not. I think two would be my limit.”

  I laugh, shaking my head, and move towards the hallway to get the waters. When I return, the shots are poured, and Vivian is sitting on my bed once again. I place the waters on my desk and take my shot from her. I quickly throw it back, wishing I had some kind of chaser for it. I wasn’t really prepared for company; I was lucky to even have the alcohol. Vivian does the same with her drink and hands me her glass.

  “Let that one settle and you can have another in a little while,” I tell her, setting the glasses on the desk alongside the waters and climbing back onto the bed. “Okay, now tell me what’s going on. It was horrible seeing you cry earlier.”

  Vivian pulls her knees to her chest, and hooks her hands together around them. I want her to open up to me, not hide within herself, so I grab her hands and pull them away from her legs. I lie down, pulling her with me so that we are facing each other. We each tuck an arm under our heads and let our bodies acclimate to our closeness.

  “You’re not at all what you were like the entire first month of school; what’s up with the change?” she asks.

  “I’m not the same,” I answer. “I wanted to be with you, but you never gave me the time of day. I finally realized that how I was acting was pushing you away. I may not be the best guy in the world, but I could never intentionally hurt you, Red. I just wish you didn’t hate me so much.” My eyes divert to the duvet that I’ve been picking at, embarrassed that I admitted that all to her.

  “I never hated you, Brooks.” My eyes fly to hers.

  “You don’t need to lie to make me feel better; I know that you detested me.”

  She sits straight up and places her hand under my chin, forcing me to look up at her.

  “I need you to understand something, Brooks. I never hated you, ever. I liked you from the minute I found you in my bed, but I didn’t trust myself around you, so I avoided you. You overwhelm me, and it terrifies my very being to think of what would happen if I gave in to you. I saw how you were with other girls, and I wouldn’t walk away unscathed and in one piece like them. You would break me.”

  I sit up and wrap my legs around her, pulling her to me. “I wouldn’t break you, Vivian. I want to be the guy that mends the piece of you that is already cracked. All I want is the chance to have that honor, no matter how difficult the job might be.”

  She tries to turn away from me, but I lightly palm her cheek and bring her gaze back to mine. “What fractured you, Red?” She shakes her head and then leans into my hand, closing her eyes to absorb my touch. “I’m not ready yet,” she whispers with her eyes still closed.

  I pull her face to mine and rest my cheek against hers; her scent of lavender and vanilla envelopes me, and I want nothing more than to drown in her. “Is it the same thing that upset you tonight?” I whisper in her ear. She doesn’t move away from me; instead, I feel her nod and wrap her hands in my shirt. “Would you like to know what damaged me?” I ask, and she nods again.

  I turn into her, delicately kiss her cheek, and then run my nose along her creamy skin until I reach her forehead, planting another feather-light peck. I then pull away, take her hands away from my shirt, and lace my fingers with hers. Feeling my absence, she gradually opens her eyes.

  “I’ve never met my real father. He took off before I was born. Then when I was two, my mom got married and had a whole new family with my stepdad. He adopted me, bu
t really, it was more for appearances than anything. Recently my dad started writing to me, wanting to meet. I just don’t know if I even want to know him. I’ve always been someone’s afterthought; no one has ever picked me for me. The attention that I get from girls, it makes me feel wanted; for once I have the control to choose, instead of always being last pick.”

  “Brooks, you’re not my last pick. That control you seek means you have the power to crush me. You and I are not all that different.”

  “I don’t believe that; you’re so much better than I am. You’re good and pure and loyal, all the things that I pretend like I am. But I’m a fraud; all of this tough shit and arrogance is all just a show.”

  “You’re not a fraud; you’re just trying to survive. I get that.” She takes a deep breath, pulls her hands from mine, and shakes them out. “Okay, here it goes. When I was little, my father was killed. The man who was responsible went to prison. After it happened, my mother packed my sisters and me up and moved us back to her tiny hometown, trying to forget that it ever happened. To this day, she refuses to talk about what happened. I’ve heard rumors about it, and the things my father was into that possibly got him killed, but she refuses to talk about it. She has gone overboard trying to shelter us, keeping us from the outside world. It took a lot to even get her to let me come to school here.”

  I entwine our fingers again, attempting to show her my support. Hearing that her father was murdered and that he was possibly into some kind of trouble before his death certainly surprises me, but I pass no judgment. “Is that why you were crying?”

  She nods. “I called home to ask one more time about my dad. I thought maybe I would use it for my English paper. I mean, I wasn’t sure I wanted to throw all that drama out there for Vauldin to read, but I at least wanted the option. I thought maybe writing it down would be therapeutic for me.”

  “You know, there would be case files that are public record if you really wanted to know the story. If you wanted to find out, I would go with you.” I’m not just offering to be nice, or because of the moment. Being this close to her, feeling her, she has bewitched me, and I would go to the ends of the Earth for her.

  “You would do that?” she says in disbelief.

  “I would do anything you needed to see that smile.” I bring our tangled hands to my mouth and kiss her wrist. “Thank you for trusting me with that story,” I say as I take our hands away and tuck them into my chest.

  “I’m sorry about your dad,” she responds, the words so hushed I can barely hear her. I smile lightly and then direct her body down to the bed. Resting our heads on my pillow, I loop my arm around her waist and tenderly tug her body backwards until her back is snugly against my chest. I curl around her tiny frame and nestle my face in her soft auburn hair. I wiggle in closer and kiss her neck. “Please stay here tonight. We don’t have to do anything but lie here. I just want to hold you and wake up with you in my arms in the morning. I’m not ready to let you leave yet.”

  Vivian turns in my arms, letting me see her beautifully muddled eyes. “I don’t want to leave either. Your arms around me are the only things that have felt right in a long time.”

  I allow my fingers to explore her fiery locks, her exposed cheek, and then her neck, cupping my hand around the base and pulling her lips to mine. I’m never nervous with girls, but I feel Vivian shiver in my arms and it sends chills down my body. My stomach is fluttering with anxiousness, but I know I can’t let this go any further than this for now.

  I deepen the kiss, allowing us to briefly lose ourselves in the moment. She tastes like drops of Heaven, and I try to drink in every ounce of her. It feels wrong to slow things down; we should be mangled together, enjoying every inch of each other, but if I want this to be something real, I know I need to back off for tonight. Sensing my hesitation, Vivian moves her head away briefly and returns only to leave a long lingering peck on my lips. I’ve never had sensual. I’ve never had emotional. It’s always been just fucking and getting off with other girls. This is entirely different. I feel more turned on with her one kiss than I ever had fucking some random girl. I could spend a lifetime discovering her mouth.

  I kiss her forehead once more, and she snuggles into my chest. I gradually hear her breathing even out, and relish the feeling of her asleep in my arms. I hold on tight, afraid that I’ll wake up and it will all have been a dream. I struggle to stay awake, not wanting our night to really end, but eventually I give in to the pull of exhaustion.

  When I wake the next morning, I realize that our bodies have not moved. Vivian is still nestled tight to my body, and I just relax onto my pillow to watch her sleep. I study every feature, committing them all to memory in case last night was all I ever get with her. It isn’t long before she stirs, and her eyes leisurely open. That’s when her most amazing feature is revealed. Staring back at me are the most brilliant green eyes. Her eyes have always been a mixture of colors, never pledging allegiance to any one shade, until now. Now I’m sucked into a field of clovers. If mornings are the only time that they are like this, then I want to make it my mission to wake up next to her for the rest of my life. I want to be stingy and never share my emerald orbs.

  “What’s wrong?” she asks when she notices that I’m just staring at her. She tenses in my arms, and I squeeze her tighter, trying to ease that tension.

  “Nothing, Viv, everything is perfect. This has been perfect. Please tell me it doesn’t end when you leave this morning.” I rest my head on the top of hers, bracing myself for the possibility of disappointment.

  “I don’t want this to end either. Can you handle what that means though?” She’s questioning my fidelity, and I understand. But she needs to know that there is no other girl that would ever compare to her, I don’t need to look any farther than what is in my arms right now.

  “I’m not going anywhere, Viv. I promise. It’s just you and me.”

  Not caring about our morning breath that could probably choke a donkey, she scoots up and kisses me, and then whispers the only word I needed to hear. “Okay.”

  Brooks

  November has officially brought the change of seasons. The first snow hasn’t arrived yet, but we have all been anticipating it. While December 21st marks the first real day of winter, in Colorado, winter weather begins when it wants. I’ve barely noticed though; the only thing that has my attention is Vivian. She fills every minute of my day; if I’m not with her, then I’m thinking about her. I have to force myself to pay attention in class, but I don’t mind the distraction; my time with her has been the best month and a half of my life.

  With Campbell’s help, the girls have gradually accepted me. Even Jen has called a truce, which is maybe the cause for the change in weather–hell froze over. Will, on the other hand, has been somewhat standoffish about mine and Vivian’s relationship. I think he misses their friendship, and seeing me with her seems to make him uncomfortable. I’ve suggested setting him up on a few dates, but he has refused each time.

  Vivian is in class all morning today, and then we are supposed to be meeting everyone for lunch in the dining hall. I’m using the time to try to work on my final English paper. Our reflective essay for Vauldin is due in three weeks, and neither Vivian nor I have written a single word. We both feel stuck.

  The letters from my father have continued to arrive, and he keeps asking me to visit him. Vivian has encouraged me to see him; she even offered to go along, but I can’t decide if I’m ready to see him. My mother has refused to ever talk about him, and there are so many unanswered questions. I suppose maybe that’s why Vivian and I relate to each other so well. We fill each other’s voids that our parents left behind. She is taking the first step though. Next week, before our Thanksgiving break, we are driving to Colorado Springs together to read the court documents and investigative reports surrounding her dad’s case. I’m so proud of her for facing her past. I’m not that brave; to be honest, when it comes to my real dad, I’m a coward.

  My computer sc
reen is still blank when Will walks through the door, throwing his backpack on the couch and falling into the recliner. He doesn’t turn on the television or pull out his books; he just sits, silently staring at me, fidgeting with his hands. “Dude, what’s going on?” I ask him, turning in my chair to fully face him. “I’m fresh out of Xanax, and you’re way too damn big to have to resuscitate if you keel over from a panic attack.” I thought that was rather funny, but he merely cracks a small smile. The usual Will would have some witty retort that would put me in my place, but he says nothing.

  “Okay, let’s hear it. Something has crawled up your ass and I can tell that you’re dying to extract it.”

  “Fuck,” he mumbles as he rubs his hands over his face. He finally steadies himself, placing his hands on his knees. “I need you to tell me that you love her. I need you to tell me that you are not going to make her fall for you and then break her heart. You need to promise me that you are not the guy that I first met when we moved in here.”

  “What the fuck, man!” I say sternly, squaring off my shoulders. “I haven’t even told her that I love her, and you want me to tell you? I had always questioned whether or not you actually have a vagina, and you’re pretty close to confirming my suspicions of Team Pink. Guys don’t talk about this shit, Will.”

  He stands and begins pacing the room. “Dammit, Brooks, you’re my friend, and if the two of you are happy, then I’ll back off. I just want to make sure that you treat her the way she deserves. I know you two are sleeping together, and I don’t want to see her hurt when you get bored and move on.”

  “Fuck you, Will,” I growl and stand. “If you were my friend, you would think more of me than that. You know what I think? I think you’re jealous. You want a relationship like she and I have, and it fucking eats you up.”